“Don’t expect me to look after your children”.
These were the words that my mother-in-law uttered to me when I was pregnant with my first child. And you know what, she kept to her word. She didn’t look after my children. And on the occasions that she did look after my children, it was under duress or only because her grandparent friends had recited stories about their grandchildren, and she felt left out.
My husband and I used Family Day Care, Vacation and After School Hours Care throughout their childhood to replace the “caring role” of my-laws. Over the years I have cried many, many tears simply because my in-laws did not want to spend time with their own grandchildren.
Despite having an aversion to the “Green Eyed Monster” I was jealous of grandparents who wanted to spend time with their grandchildren. I wanted my in-laws to give my children treats, take them out on adventures and even let them stay up late. I wanted to say “Humph, my in-laws are so outrageous, they let them get away with anything”. This has never happened.
When my daughter was 18 months old, my mother-in-law persuaded me that she wanted to look after her granddaughter. I relented. I was happy that she would be spending time with her beautiful, intelligent and funny granddaughter. However, when I arrived to pick up my daughter, she was unusually quiet. I was concerned as she has always been a bubbly and outgoing child. I asked my mother-in-law if there was anything the matter. She replied “No, nothing”. I asked again, and she replied “Nothing”. My spidey senses were heightened. There was something the matter. Eventually my mother-in-law told me that during the day she had put the washing out. She used a laundry basket on wheels suspended about one metre from the ground for carrying her washing to a washing line located over a concrete paved area.
This is what had happened. She said that my daughter “had wanted to sit inside the laundry basket”. Whilst putting the clothes to dry, my daughter fell from basket. My mother-in-law said that my daughter “cried for a little bit, but she’s ok now”. She did not see anything wrong. She did not call me when it had happened, which was earlier in the day. She did not seek medical attention. She calmly lied by omission. I screamed at her. My daughter could have sustained serious injuries to her skull, neck, back or even had concussion. I made her ring her local GP. I insisted that it was a medical emergency and that my daughter needed to be checked. The whole time my mother-in-law sat calmly oblivious to the pain that she had caused to the me and my daughter. It transpired that in the end my daughter was ok. But for many, many months I did not allow my mother-in-law to be alone with my daughter.
On another occasion, I had arranged to take my younger daughter for a school holiday program. At the program the children were making macrame hanging baskets at the local library. She was 11 years old at the time. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend, and I begged my mother-in-law to take my daughter to the event. When they returned home, my mother-in-law was in great distress. (My daughter was not a toddler. She is well behaved. And she would have contentedly worked on the macrame piece. I just couldn’t understand why my mother-in-law was so upset). She said that it was very stressful looking after her grandchild. My mother-in-law asked me if I had any alcohol. My husband and I don’t drink any alcohol. And so, I told my mother-in-law that I only had Chinese cooking wine. She said, “That will do” and promptly poured herself a large glass of the wine and gulped it down. It wasn’t a very good wine when I used it in cooking, and I can imagine it would taste any better drinking it neat. Oh well.
My mother-in-law is all about appearance. My children have never been girly girls. They dress to express themselves and we encourage their creativity. When they started a high school where the uniform was formal wear with blazers, my mother-in-law was happy. She said, “Now you look smart”. I remember one day when my husband, frustrated at her continual comments about my children having short hair, let it rip about her negativity about their appearance. She was shocked that her son could speak to her in that manner!
Another remark my mother-in-law has made is that my children get their olive complexion from her. I really don’t think so. They get their colouring from me. She claims to have Spanish heritage. As far as I know she has English heritage, but I haven’t the energy to argue with her.
My eldest child has tattoos. When my mother-in-law first saw them, she remarked “Look what you have done to the body God gave you”. (Note she is a CEO Christian – Christmas/Easter only). She said, “I’ll give you money to get rid of them”. (This has never happened). To which my child said quietly replied “If she does give me some money, I’ll use it to get more tattoos”.
Every year I make photobooks for the children. (We all know that the million photographs you take on your phone will stay on your phone, and so having printed copies of their childhood in a book is so invaluable and I have fun making them). When I was younger, my Mum would carry a photo album in her bag when she went shopping. In the album were all our achievements. Sometimes we would bump into locals who would know the latest about us. Mum was so proud of us. I desperately wanted my in-laws to do the same thing for their own grandchildren. They haven’t. For a few years, when my children were younger, I would make an extra photobook for my in-laws that I would give them as Christmas presents. Recently, they gave them all back to me as they said that they didn’t need them. I cried.
The most hurtful thing is at their house is that they have TWO photos each of their only TWO grandchildren, both when they were toddlers. These photos are nestled, hidden behind a plant pot. Instead in pride of place, in a high traffic area near the kitchen where everyone can see, are FIVE framed photos of their dogs. You can guess who is more important. I haven’t got any more tears for this.
Now my mother-in-law wants to spend time with her grandchildren. But they don’t want to spend time with her. She texts them (and her spelling is atrocious) to arrange to spend time with her. I laugh at the excuses they come up with. I recently attended a funeral where the grandchildren were sobbing at the passing of their beloved grandmother. I thought about my own children. Firstly, would they be there at the funeral? (I would not force them to attend). Probably to make sure that she was really dead in the coffin. And secondly, would they shed any tears? Probably not.
My in-laws, particularly my mother-in-law, are ageing. And it is with a very heavy heart, particularly because I am a caring and compassionate individual, I will have to mike drop and say to them “Don’t expect me to look after you”. I can’t cry anymore.
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